Assigment: Work not meant to be digested on the web

Shawn is a chef on the edge; a bit of a misanthropist and a pessimist. Whilst working in an environment contrary to his apathetic condition, he encounters a variety of individuals at a care home for the aged of whom frustrate his malignant and neurotic - and by occasion - psychotic condition: Nursing script

Assignmet: Web Content

This is my attempt ay hypertext fiction: http://kayvernons.blogspot.com/2006/03/kay-vernons-bid-for-global-destruction.html .I had problems uploading images which I hope that I can resolve in class

Assignment:

Bad web pages

If you want a website that turns your stomach from the outset, then take a look at this: http://www.taylorhayden.com/HaydenVideoWeddings.html. You might want to wear sunglasses for this one!

The page opens with a huge in your face image of a woman. Through careful analysis it would seem that this depiction was formally a very attractive woman. However, lacerations of bright blue text now pervert the image and flash animation flowers and doves rain down on her once attractive features. The image has also been tiled which delivers us with a page much like a dodgy desktop screensaver. As you continue scrolling down the page it becomes even more painful to the eyes and it becomes difficult to read the text. I think Claude Monet had something to do with this one towards the end of his career when his eye sight was fading.

There is little introduction to this company and it simply cuts to the chase with their prices as if to say, we just want your money! There are a few images of loving couples who look completely staged and bare no resemblance to a real scenario. The links on this page are fairly useless. For example, clicking on Hayden Video Weddings simply takes you to the top of the page. Way can it not just say Top of Page?

To enhance the maudlin insipidness of this page we are serenaded by the sweetest melody: a melody most cheesey and soul sickening. If you are about to enter into matrimony and you are have any doubts – this is the tune to listen to. A revamped version of Stings ‘Fields of Gold’ all corrupted and ready to be shipped out to your local British Home Stores. Once you have heard this little jingle you will realize that marriage isn’t a million miles away from a funeral. All doubts are gone for now there is no doubt –DON’T DO IT YOU FOOL! Oh, and try minimizing the page and restoring it and listen to what happens - it becomes even more out of tune! How is that possible? It would seem then that ‘store jingles’ have worked their way from wretched retailers to cyberspace and they cross the boundaries into your own home!

Rewriting the page

An attempt to rewrite this page would consider a more elaborate introduction as to what the company is. Perhaps a bit more flowering up of what marriage is and what it should mean for any couple entering into a loving enterprise. I would utilize images taken from actual wedding events showing normal couples in real situations, rather than a semblance of marriage fuelled with actors, props and a set. Perhaps using an introduction as follows:

It is our duty to provide you with the ability to capture the greatest event of your life in perpetuity. Allow us to film your special day whilst we ensure that your perfect day will remain so sempiternally. Contact us now and take advantage of our special offers. Free wedding bouquet if you opt for our deluxe service (conditions apply).

Assignment: Poem

Ah alcohol

Ah alcohol. How it is it should stumble upon me when the morbid blanket presents itself. How it opens my mind and the gate that stores all doubt and bequeathed iniquity.

Bestowed by that of the pernicious.

Ephemeral happiness does present itself – short lived as maybe. Presently I can distance myself from life. I look to the warm blue sky adorned with broken cloud. I make my acquaintance with what should matter: life in its purest state. The cold breeze caresses my now warm skin enhancing the warmth within. In this state tears are joy and pain becomes unknown.

I am alone.

Loneliness finds serenity and abandons that which makes me sad.

Time will tell.

Assignment:

On a completely different subject (although it does inspire a desire for the beverage of iniquity): Chicken legs...Eughhh!!!

Having discovered a plethora of chicken legs at the base of my freezer, I became faced with the question as to why these poultry items had not been utilised in the process of subsistence. A debate with my girlfriend Claire and friends ensued and we came to the conclusion that they taste like shit! Could it be their ugly appearance? The tough meat that needs to be boiled for sixteen hours so as to obtain the mildest tenderness? The "rubbery bit at the end of the bone"? Hitherto I was unaware of this "rubbery bit". However, having pondered on this concept proclaimed by my girlfriend, my stomach seems to have adopted a non ingestion of chicken leg meat policy. I no longer have the capacity to entertain this item of sustenance and as a chef I did have many ideas as to how this meat should be cooked. After much deliberation, it was noted that no such sumptuous dish could ever be possible with chicken leg meat. Consequently, alternative uses have been proposed:

100 things you can do with chicken leg meat

1. Leg replacement
2. Car wing mirrors
3. Fake hands
4. Wings of an aircraft
5. Replacement ears for Welsh rugby players (No.22 Davies)
6. Ear muffs
7. Keyring
8. Computer mouse
9. Breast enlargement (silicon substitute)
10. Mobile telephone for policemen
11. Toilet paper
12. Cool glasses (Elton John styly)
13. Christmas tree decorations
14. Rugby ball
15. Earrings for Pat Butcher
16. Penis enlargement
17. Hat (particuarly for wedding occasions)
18. Socks
19. Gloves
20. Sex aid
21. Fake tan applicator
22. Rub on deodorant/eau de bur flu (for people that love chicken a bit too much)
23. Welly boots (stretch the skin)
24. Cheap toys/lollipops for children
25. Candlestick holders
26. Paintbrush
27. Stuff pillows
28. Toothbrush
29. Fuel for your car (chicken power) ((Robin Reliant owners))
30. Smoking pipe
31. Wheel lock for push bikes
32. Crutches
33. Coat for small birds
34. Boomerang
35. Swimming shorts for a turkey
36. To hit football players with
37. Memorabilia
38. Designer handbags for vegetarians (i.e. Victoria Beckham)
39. Slippers
40. Pot stand
41. Toilte roll holder
42. Car jack
43. wheels for your car
44. Goal posts for mice
45. Traffic cones
46. Tea bags
47. Nutcrackers
48. Dolphin food
49. Soap for poor people
50. Snorkel

Assignment: Creative writing

Monday, 06 March 2006

What is it about teddy bear cranes?

It was a perfect day to go to the sea. The sun shone brightly and stood proud amid the cyan sky and without the encumbrance of amorphous white clouds. The cool breeze carried us gently to Southend and even the diabolical M25 was kind enough to allow us a journey free from congestion.

Firstly we ventured to Seaworld and gave admiration to its plethora of sea creatures. Large cod were seen swimming amongst its aquatic home appearing all lost and removed from batter and chips. Stingrays broke the surface of the water showing us a sweet hello – and they didn’t even sting us; and even the purveyor of this facility did not sting us with price!

The sea was calm and its serenity interceded on a troubled mind. My eyes did close as advised by Claire and I absorbed its tranquil song as it washed against the shore giving verve to a despondent disposition. The beach was an expanse of pebbles and shells compounded with seaweed. Occasionally we would stumble on far more exotic items, such as cans of Foster “all the way from Australia”. Alas, there was no message in said can – no cry for help and hence no comparison to be made with my pleas for guidance.

We left the serene shore so as to add a bit of adventure to our visit. As tourists it was our duty to partake in the British seaside ritual of visiting entertainment outlets fuelled with neon glow. Iridescently the lights chased along the seafront. Yet, all we wanted was to win a teddy bear!

After ingesting many machines with many coins, it became evident that the procurement of teddy bears through the utilisation of a crane was an impossible task. The crane had the irritating ability to be able to raise any teddy bear to a mere height of three inches and then simply drop it! I would hypothesise that these cranes have the gripping capacity of approximately 1.204 milligrams PSI. Enough strength to grab and raise warm air (obviously because warm air rises) and then on descent a quick blast with nitrogen oxide to cool the air sufficiently to allow the air to sink…Hey presto – you’ve won a prize!

So it would seem that Southend provides huge disappointment in the pursuit of teddy bears. No place to go for a picnic, no place to meet Goldilocks and certainly no place to hit Pooh bear with a high speed vehicle! I would suggest that all of Southend’s ‘boyracers’ be equipped with Kalashnikovs and perform drive by shootings on all teddy bear tantalising outlets!